thecookiegal

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5

on April 1, 2016

What is it about the number 5?   When I was in High School, I went on a retreat, and we had teams that had competitions.  Our team leaders said to us “hey, this is the 5th year of this retreat, and 5 is special, so let’s win!”  We did win.  The ONLY year I was ever on a winning team, as a camper or as a staff member!

for kids, 5 seems like a cool age to be.  Maybe because you can use all your fingers to show your age, or because if your birthday is just right you can start kindergarten?

Many birthdays seem to be special in 5’s  – 10 (double digits) the Big 30, 40, 50, (okay, so you could say those are 10’s but I am sure you get my point.

Today has been 5 years since I last held my beautiful son in my arms. 5 years since my heart was shattered into a million pieces.  Some of those pieces have been put back together, but there will always be one missing.

5 years.   How the hell did that happen??  So much has happened in 5 years.  I buried one child.  I gave birth to two more.  One of my children had open heart surgery at 6 weeks old.  We moved into my childhood home.  I started on a new job, far, far away from the nursing field.  So many things have happened in just 5 years.   It seems like a lifetime ago, but yet it seems like yesterday.

As Richard pointed out in his post earlier tonight, I can hardly remember what I did 5 DAYS ago.  But I could tell you everything that happened from April 1, 2011.  Like him, I won’t go into the details, because they are horrible.  For a long time, when I would close my eyes to go to sleep ALL I could see was those horrible moments.  That did eventually fade.  But, I can recall them in second if I want to, and sadly sometimes, even if I don’t want to, they will pop back into my mind.

I woke up early today.  When I did, my heart was aching.  Literally aching.  I looked at the time.  It was the same time when Alexander first started to crash and have trouble.   A bit later, I really wanted to just stay in bed all day, but we had plans to do something special.   Julia wanted to “wake mama up”  but Richard was pulling her away.  Elizabeth, managed to find her way into the room, and I told Richard it was okay.  He called Julia in to “wake mama up” and she did!  The two girls climbed into bed and crawled all over me.  We had a fun time laughing and talking about what we would do today.  The aching started to fade away.

We had a pretty good day.  Lots of laughing and fun.

In one of the support groups I go to we often say, you don’t move ON but you do move FORWARD.  That is what I do.  one day at a time, sometimes, one moment at a time.  I move forward.  Further away each day from the worst day of my life.  Some days the pain is as raw as it was those first days.  But, thankfully more days than not though, it is there, but not right in front of my face.  Life is bearable most days.  Some days it is great.   One day, one moment at a time.

001Alexander Whipple

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3 responses to “5

  1. Liz Beaulieu says:

    I wish I could hold some of your sorrow, and your husband’s sorrow. I truly do. I heard once that many people think of losing a child as an “event” from which one must recover. I have not lost a child, but I know better. It is not an event. I don’t know the right word, but I know you do. Take care, and although we’ve never met please know how much I care and how much I wish I could help.

  2. I absolutely love those butterflies in the picture. Just beautiful.

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