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Enjoy every moment

When Alexander was first born, I thought he was kind of boring.  I mean, all he did was eat and sleep.  As he got holder, he did start making little cute noises.  And then he became a little active – rolling around from his back to his belly.  Then he sat up, and was playful.   Then he got STUPID cancer.   At first he was just so sick.  He didn’t do much again but sit with us or in his hospital crib.  But after a little while, he did start to become playful again.  But he never crawled or walked (although looking back I am kind of glad about that now, because he was on TPN <IV Nutrition> for up to 24 hours a day!  chasing a little boy with an IV pole or bag would have been a real adventure!)

As you know, Alexander died when he was just 21 months old.  He never got to be 2.  He never went to pre-school. He will never go off to High School, or college or get married.   He is forever 21 months.

I get so upset when I hear people say things like “Oh why is my baby growing up?”  or “I wish they could stay this young forever”.   Deep down, I know they are just being nostalgic, but really, I just want to scream “JUST BE F-ING GRATEFUL THAT THEY ARE GROWING UP!!  ENJOY THE FACT THAT THEY ARE GROWING UP.  YOU WOULDN’T WANT THEM TO BE FOREVER THAT AGE!!!”

When Alexander was born I imagined a life for him – a future, things we would do as a family.  Those hopes and dreams are gone now.   With the girls, I try not to think to far ahead – part of the PTSD I suppose.  But instead, I am just enjoying every day and every change with them.   When they were babies, I again thought they were kind of boring. Although, after we had Elizabeth, I did enjoy those quiet moments of rocking her to sleep, after a day of running around with Julia.  And there are times, I wish that I could just rock them to sleep and not have them be wiggle monsters.   But mostly, I am just trying to live in the moment, and enjoy whatever moment that is.

Right now I am enjoying watching Julia’s imagination grow!  It is fun to see the world through her eyes.   Last week we were baking cupcakes.  While we were waiting for them to bake, she went to her play kitchen to bake some more “cupcakes”.  Because it was late, and we wanted to frost the real ones, I put them in the fridge to cool off.  Shen then did the same with her pretend cupcakes.  I took her to a little museum this week, that had a play kitchen.  She spent such a long time in that one space!!

Elizabeth is growing up too.  She enjoys her blocks and bucks and putting hats on her head.  It is fun to watch her too.

Perhaps one day when they are older, I will long for these days of them being silly and playing make-believe.  But for now, I am loving the age they are, and looking forward to how they will grow up and change.

Every age is special.  Enjoy the moment.



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