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Dear Alexander

on June 28, 2014

5 Years ago, you and I were spending our last night together.  You would be born the next day, and I would have to share you with Daddy and the rest of the world.  But for one last night you were all mine.   I don’t remember if I slept well that night or not.  But, I do remember calling to find out if they had room for me at the hospital, and having to call back after “change of shift” time.   Daddy made me scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, and we headed into the hospital at about 8am.   They set me up in a room, and got the medicine started that was suppose to help you come out faster.  We played cards, listed to Bill Cosby’s thoughts on Natural Childbirth, watched “My Cousin Vinny” and I got my lovely epidural.   Nana came to hang out with us in the hospital too, although she spent a lot of the time in the waiting room.   At about 4pm, the nurse told me I could start to push, and I would be pushing for “about 2 hours”.  Well, 2 hours came and went and you had not arrived yet!  Our first lesson, that you would not do what you were “suppose” to do!  At 7pm I got a new nurse. She was wonderful (she would later help me with your sister Julia too!)   I was getting very tired, and just wanted to meet you!!  I got sick a lot, and they kept putting me in crazy positions, and one of the male doctors told me I wasn’t “being very effective” with my pushing!!.   My regular Doctor, had to go home when her shift ended, but she told them to call her when I was really close!  She came back a bit after 8pm.  Finally, at 8:49pm you arrived into the world!!!   You did NOT come out crying however!!   Mommy was a bit scared, but I kept telling myself that I heard your heart beat on the monitor, so you were okay.   They cleaned you up, and got you talking and then I finally got to hold you on the outside!!
Daddy had his turn next, and then Nana came in too!!

While, I had to wait ALL DAY for you to arrive, it ended up working out great – and I got an extra day in the hospital!   I know you spent a LOT of time in the hospital and you might not think that is a good thing, but it was!

So he we are 5 years later.  And we are without you.   You are living with God now.  There are so many things I wonder!  I wonder what kind of games you would be playing, if you would like sports, what kind of big brother you would be.  What you would look like.  And right now, I have been mostly wondering if you would be exciting about starting kindergarten in the fall.   I imagine you would be excited. I think you would have liked school and liked learning new things.

I wish we were having a birthday party for you tomorrow.   5 is an exciting age to be.   But, since you aren’t here for that, we gave another 5 year old boy a birthday party. (   I think you would have like that.  We bought him Legos and cars.   You liked Legos (well, yours were BIG Mega Blocks!) and I don’t remember if you had any cars you played with, but I am sure you would have liked them.

I miss you so much Alexander!  You were the one that made me a mommy.  I will always be your mommy, and I will always miss you!!



Holding Alexander for the First time


3 responses to “Dear Alexander

  1. jane says:

    Beautiful words….. Thank you for letting me in on this Nancy.

  2. Jackie goodell says:

    My heart is breaking as I read this. Thinking of you now and always.
    Jackie Goodell

  3. sdebassio says:

    Nancy, this made me smile and cry; especially when you said he was the one who made you a mommy. such a beautiful tribute to him and your deep love for him. it must be so so so so hard. love, sue

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