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Dear Alexander

5 Years ago, you and I were spending our last night together.  You would be born the next day, and I would have to share you with Daddy and the rest of the world.  But for one last night you were all mine.   I don’t remember if I slept well that night or not.  But, I do remember calling to find out if they had room for me at the hospital, and having to call back after “change of shift” time.   Daddy made me scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, and we headed into the hospital at about 8am.   They set me up in a room, and got the medicine started that was suppose to help you come out faster.  We played cards, listed to Bill Cosby’s thoughts on Natural Childbirth, watched “My Cousin Vinny” and I got my lovely epidural.   Nana came to hang out with us in the hospital too, although she spent a lot of the time in the waiting room.   At about 4pm, the nurse told me I could start to push, and I would be pushing for “about 2 hours”.  Well, 2 hours came and went and you had not arrived yet!  Our first lesson, that you would not do what you were “suppose” to do!  At 7pm I got a new nurse. She was wonderful (she would later help me with your sister Julia too!)   I was getting very tired, and just wanted to meet you!!  I got sick a lot, and they kept putting me in crazy positions, and one of the male doctors told me I wasn’t “being very effective” with my pushing!!.   My regular Doctor, had to go home when her shift ended, but she told them to call her when I was really close!  She came back a bit after 8pm.  Finally, at 8:49pm you arrived into the world!!!   You did NOT come out crying however!!   Mommy was a bit scared, but I kept telling myself that I heard your heart beat on the monitor, so you were okay.   They cleaned you up, and got you talking and then I finally got to hold you on the outside!!
Daddy had his turn next, and then Nana came in too!!

While, I had to wait ALL DAY for you to arrive, it ended up working out great – and I got an extra day in the hospital!   I know you spent a LOT of time in the hospital and you might not think that is a good thing, but it was!

So he we are 5 years later.  And we are without you.   You are living with God now.  There are so many things I wonder!  I wonder what kind of games you would be playing, if you would like sports, what kind of big brother you would be.  What you would look like.  And right now, I have been mostly wondering if you would be exciting about starting kindergarten in the fall.   I imagine you would be excited. I think you would have liked school and liked learning new things.

I wish we were having a birthday party for you tomorrow.   5 is an exciting age to be.   But, since you aren’t here for that, we gave another 5 year old boy a birthday party. (   I think you would have like that.  We bought him Legos and cars.   You liked Legos (well, yours were BIG Mega Blocks!) and I don’t remember if you had any cars you played with, but I am sure you would have liked them.

I miss you so much Alexander!  You were the one that made me a mommy.  I will always be your mommy, and I will always miss you!!



Holding Alexander for the First time


2 Years Old

When we wake up tomorrow, we will have a two-year old.   Wow 2.  As I mentioned in a previous post, Julia became older than Alexander on March 26.(  and now she will be 2.

I didn’t plan a party at all for her this year. She had a lovely little party last year.  But this year, I don’t know why – I just didn’t plan one.  We had things planned on different days during this weekend as well as last weekend.  And there just didn’t seem like a good “time” to have one.  I wanted to get her a Curious George themed party, because she really likes to watch that show.  I had to go online to buy things, as none of the party stores near me carried them (which I find very odd)  I checked with a couple of bakeries in the supermarkets and they didn’t have a Curious George cake, although they did say I could bring a picture in and they would put it on for me, but that just wasn’t what I wanted.    I ended up making my own cake, which came out pretty good I think!

We go to a Down syndrome Play group ( and I knew there would be a lot of kids there, so I decided to bring the cake to that.  Since Julia is so little, I knew she wouldn’t realize it isn’t a party JUST for her (although I imagine when she is a crazy teenager she will bring it up more than once!) so I figured that would be okay.

But, then I did start to think about just WHY I didn’t have a party for her.  Was it really because we were too busy to have one? Or was it because Alexander never had a second birthday party.   Or because he would have been 5 in a week?  I don’t know….maybe……

Now, what do I do with a 2-year-old?!!?  She is already perfecting the temper tantrum!  And we are finding it hard to get her to eat anything beyond plain pasta.  (I don’t want to get her into the Kraft Mac and Cheese habit that so many kids have!!)  She does eat fruit, so at least that is healthy right???

We do enjoy watching her grow and learn, and to be silly.   But for me at least, it is still so hard to see her as the oldest child we have, when really she is a middle child.

I am sure I have more thoughts on this….but that is all that is coming out right now…..



Some thoughts….

We were off once again to Camp Sunshine last weekend!  (see my previous posts for more details about camp)

During the Moms only discussion group, the leader pointed something out – that is just how MUCH we have been thru in the last 3 years.

1.  Alexander Died

2.  Julia was born

3.  Elizabeth was born (and my friend pointed out to the group how Julia broke he foot when she was just two weeks old and still in the hospital)

4.  Elizabeth had open heart surgery at 6 weeks old

Whew!  Any ONE of those things would be a lot to handle – and I have had ALL of them in just three years.  How I have done it?!?!  Honestly I have no clue at times!

There are many days, I wish I could just stay in bed all day and ignore the world.  I love my girls, but there are many days, I wish I didn’t have to take care of them – that I could just crawl into a hole and be alone.   But, on the other hand, the do give me a reason to get out of bed each day!  It is wonderful to see them smile and being happy (although I am not so sure about the temper tantrums that Julia is getting so good at throwing!)

I have written before about my love/hate relationship with technology  (

Right about now I am in one of the “hate” modes.  Facebook can be wonderful – but it can be very hard at times for those of us living without our children.  Kids are starting to finish school for the summer, and September will be here before we know it, so there have been a LOT of postings about school.

I have been seeing a lot of “Oh my baby is going to kindergarten!  Oh, why does he/she have to grow up so fast!?”   That one has been the hardest for me, because I should be saying that about Alexander.  He would be going to kindergarten in the fall if he were alive.  (and I happen to have a LOT of friends whose children are going off to kindergarten in the fall!)  Deep down I know that my friends are just being poetic about life and how fast it can go sometimes.  I am sure had I not lost Alexander, I would have been doing the same thing.

But for me, right now, I am just waiting for Julia makes it to her SECOND birthday.  From there I will be so HAPPY when she reaches all her milestones that she is “suppose” to be doing!



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