Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. A time for the year to end, and for a new year to start. Many people make resolution this day – decide to go to the gym more often, diet etc. Many people do not keep those resolutions.
For us, 2013 will be the year we celebrate Julia’s first birthday. Richard and I will have our 7th Wedding Anniversary. I will turn (gasp!) 40, and, we will start living more of our lives with OUT Alexander than we had WITH him. Yes, on January 1, 2013 it will be 21 months since our beautiful boy took his last breath. It is hard to believe it has been that long. It still seems like yesterday in many ways.
In these 21 months we have said good bye to several of Alexander’s friends – some we knew well, some just in passing at the clinic. All lives cut too short. My friend Rosanne also died last year after a 5 year fight with stupid cancer. I went to 2 funerals for two men that died unexpectedly, one while participating in a charity bike race! I went to the funeral for a friend whose son was born into the arms of Jesus, never even taking his first breath outside of his mothers womb.
It has not been an easy 21 months for us in a lot of ways. The sadness I feel on many days is difficult to describe – only those that have lived the horror that we have gone through can understand.
Tonight I was texting with a friend (yes, I have become a text chatter like a crazy teenager!) and I was mentioning what I just said – how we will start to live longer without Alexander than we did with him. Ever the positive person (and she is one person that DOES get it – her precious girl died the month before Alexander), she helped me to turn my sadness around – to look at this new year as a new chapter in the Julia files. I also think, I need to look at it in the positive that at least we HAD Alexander for 21 months! The first child that we knew from the hospital that died lived just over 1 year. Another mom I have since met, lost her daughter who was younger than Alexander. Another mom I met only had her son for 3 days (he did not die from cancer – doesn’t matter, it all still sucks) .
So my resolution for the new year, is to try to focus more on the POSITIVE. To remember all the GOOD times we had with Alexander. And despite all the STUPID CANCER stuff, we did have a lot of good times! The last month we had with him was wonderful! I also find myself the happiest when I am helping others – reaching out to other families that are going through stupid cancer things, doing things for them, raising money and awareness for childhood cancer (and off course making Pillow Cases!)
As you think about a resolution you might want to make, consider not what you can do to better YOURSELF, but what you can do for OTHERS – those around you – your friends, you family, strangers in need.
And in the last words of Cole, whose 1 year Angel Anniversary is coming up in January,
SMILE – BE HAPPY!!!!!!