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A bearable day

on December 26, 2012

So I made it through the second Christmas without Alexander.  It was an okay day with happy moments.   Julia slept in which was lovely, but then I woke up at 7am thinking I heard her, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep.  My brain was just going – thinking about how much I missed Alexander.     When Julia did get up, we opened presents with her.  She was VERY excited by them which was a lot of fun to see!   We went over to my mom’s house and opened presents with her and my sister.  It was nice.   Richard’s  mom and sister came to join us for lunch.  Julia did NOT nap at all during the day but was still very happy!  Later in the day we went to visit my Aunt and Grand Aunt.  Julia had a very nice visit with them. My Grand Aunt is 93 years old and has good days and not so good days.  Yesterday was a GOOD day.  Julia sat with her for quite a while and they had a nice visit.  My Aunt gave me a present for Alexander – it was a beautiful Crystal Angel!  I will be sure to put that in a special place for all to see.

Julia took a brief nap in the car on the way down and back, but never did have a proper nap!  Thankfully she did fall asleep pretty quickly once we came home.  The mid part of the day I was very happy, and had a very nice time.  By the evening however, I was feeling sad yet again.

A snow storm is heading our way, so it was decided that the plans with Richard’s family would have to change.  We had planned on getting together with them on Thursday, and I took the day off from work.  However, with the snow, it was better to do it today, and I had to work. Richard took Julia off without me.  He did take pictures and it looked like they had a very nice time.

As I have read the posts and blogs of families that have been at this “Christmas without their child” thing longer than I have, I see I am not alone in my feelings.  People that are working on their 5th year without their child, said that it wasn’t any easier – perhaps harder!

Some might think that this year would be “better” for us because we have Julia.  But really, I think it was harder because we have Julia.  I was missing Alexander so much – wishing he was here to teach Julia about presents.  Wishing we could have been baking cookies to leave out for Santa.  But he wasn’t here and never will be.  We will make these new memories with Julia as she grows older, but there will always be a hole in our hearts that will never be filled.

So over all – it wasn’t a bad day, it wasn’t a good day.  It was a bearable day.


5 responses to “A bearable day

  1. jane mulcahy says:

    it’s a strange “new” normal, I guess you start to see that this is how it will be and somehow it becomes a normal feeling…sort of sad and looking forward to the holiday being over

  2. Karen Capucilli says:

    It’s a badge of courage to make it through and find happy things to recount, living with the happy and sad. I’ve never thought about this, but Christmas, more than any other holiday, is extremely child centered. So besides Hallmark and retail telling you every second should be happy, there are all these traditions and opportunities to miss our kids. Feel proud that you did well!

  3. Jackie Goodell says:

    I am writing from Andrew’s hospital room where we have been since Christmas. He has developed something called cyclical vomiting from all the Sh*& they put him through to try to cure him. He can’t stop throwing up. I am trying to write a caring bridge message but really can’t get more than 5 minutes to do anything. As I am complaining of Andrew missing Christmas this year and how unfair this is, I always have you and the other parents in my mind- How can I complain when he is still here…So when you read my post, now that I am thinking of you specifically as well as others. When I was home last night I was hysterical because it makes me think of what life will look like if Andrew died. I was so alone and empty and I had 2 beautiful children with me. I dread it. So when people say, “at least you have…. Julia (in your case)” they don’t get how it is actually more difficult because the piece of your family is missing. Andrew isn’t gone (yet), but I feel it, I think it, especially in moments when I am alone with my other 2 kids… I am thinking of you, now and always. And if something does happen to Andrew, I have a feeling I would just get in my car and drive North to be with you.
    Jackie Goodell

  4. Sue DeBassio says:

    Nancy thanks for sharing that…it is impossible for me to truly know or imagine how you feel and how you get thru things, like xmas, etc… so thanks for sharing. My heart continues to go out to you and Richard. I am glad that you had some good and bright moments in your Christmas day and I am glad Aunt Margie had a good day too. love, sue

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