People told me that the second year is harder than the first year. I couldn’t imagine that could be true – but yet, I am finding it to be very true. The first year without Alexander was such a blur – I was just so numb most of the time. Of course I was pregnant with Julia so I was also sick for a good part of that time! Every time I had my “morning sickness” – I wondered if that was how Alexander felt most of the time!
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have started a job at the mall. It is a fun place to be – but lots of moms and dads come in with their children. I interact with the children, and ask how old they are. Whenever I hear “2 or 3” I get sad thinking about Alexander. Wondering what he would have been like had he not died. Perhaps I will stop asking….
I use to love Christmas – I loved to decorate my tree! I would get everything out right after Thanksgiving! Now – it is just all so sad to me. Alexander had a wonderful 1st Christmas. But, his second Christmas he spent in the hospital. He was recovering from a major surgery as well as yet another line infection. An Angel Family brought breakfast into us, and Santa came to visit. My mom and sister came on Christmas Day and we had a nice meal that they brought in. Richard’s family came a few days later – but because of the rules, we couldn’t have more than 4 people in the room at a time, so everyone had to take a turn visiting. Things were made as nice as possible, but it is just wrong and sad to have to be in the hospital for Christmas. We didn’t know it then, but it would be his last Christmas with us
Last year at this time, our friends son Cole, went into the hospital for the last time. He died on January 20th. His last Christmas with his family was in the hospital. Again, just wrong.
Last week was the 1 year anniversary of another friends daughter going to Heaven, and today another. Another friend spent her sons 16th birthday without him as he died earlier this year. Someone else remembered a surgery for her daughter who would die not long after. I know others whose children’s “Angel Dates” are approaching. It is not an easy time for any of us.
If I could crawl into a hole right now I would, but I know I can’t. I didn’t really care if we decorated or not for Christmas this year, but Richard took everything out. I did decorate the tree with Julia and talk to her about each special ornament that we have. It was hard though putting up Alexander’s special ones. I had made him one that said “Alexander’s First Christmas” on it and I put a picture of him inside of it. I had intended on making him one every year. Because he was in the hospital, I never got around to making it for the 2nd year – and now we have no more to make for him.
So – as you go about your shopping and being busy this season, please take the time to STOP and just ENJOY life – enjoy your children. Don’t worry about getting all the cookies baked, or the presents wrapped. If you are stressing about anything – just STOP and be Thankful for all that you have. If you come across a “Grinch” say a little prayer for them, because they might not have a heart that is too small, but rather a hear that is BROKEN.