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A very emotional day

on June 29, 2012

Today is Alexander’s Birthday.  He would have been three years old.   We brought Birthday Balloons to his grave today and blew bubbles.  It is so wrong.  He should be having a birthday party with his friends and family.  Not us bringing balloons to his grave site.

Today, our beautiful new daughter Julia is 1 week old.  When I look at her I see this beautiful new life before me.  I have so many hopes and dreams for her.  I look forward to her learning new things every day.  She is already such a joy in our lives.

It has been a sad and joyful day all at once.

The other day, I was holding Julia and talking to Richard and missing Alexander so much! I was feeling so sad that she will never know him! Of course we will tell her about him, but it just isn’t the same.  She will never get to meet him in person, play with him, laugh with him, have him pick on her as only big brothers can.  She won’t have him to protect her from the “bad boys” that will want to date her when she grows up.

Before we went to the hospital, I made sure my Doctor had it in the chart that we had lost Alexander.  When we arrived, I had Richard speak to the nurse.  I knew there would be certain things they may have needed to ask from a medical point of view.  But I wanted to avoid people asking “is this your first? Is your son coming in to see the baby?”  For the most part it was okay.  One nurse did ask, because she hadn’t gotten it in report or read it on the paper or something.  She did apologize later for not being aware.  I actually talked a lot about Alexander – more than I thought I would have, but it was very nice too.

We had the hospital photos done.  The photographer made a video of the pictures.  There is one quote that said something about measuring memories in MOMENTS.  We had so many moments with Alexander – but yet so few.  We will not build anymore memories of Alexander.  He will be forever 21 months old.  He will not grow up. He is our baby forever.

Normally, I am fine when I see my friends with kids.  But another friend had a baby recently and posted a picture of her older child holding the new baby on his lap.  I was very sad to know that we were never going to have a picture of Alexander holding his little sister on a pillow in the hospital.  We have a picture of me holding Julia and she was touching my picture charm of Alexander.  It makes me so sad to know that is all we will ever have of her with Alexander.

Julia will always have a ‘big brother” but yet, if we have more children, she will be the oldest. It will be a strange thing for her as she gets older when people ask how many siblings she has.  I am sure she will find her own way to talk about Alexander and we will help her with that when the time comes.

When we were at Camp Sunshine, I talked to other people who had lost a child and gone on to have others.  However, I haven’t really had an opportunity to talk to those that have lost their first and only child and gone on to have another.  Every loss is hard, but this is just seems to be so very different.

I am lost as to what to do with all of Alexander’s pictures.  We have so many of them around the house.  I know if he was alive, I would still have them, but I am sure I would have removed some of the family photos that had just HIM in them, to make room for the new family photos with Julia in them.  My caller id photos and wall paper on my cell phone are of him.  If he were alive, I would take them down to put ones of him and Julia on them. Now, if I take them off, I feel like I am “replacing” him with Julia, but it is not possible to have them both on there in the same picture.

When I think about JUST Alexander, I am fine.  I miss him, and love him, but I can remember all the wonderful smiles and love that he gave us.

When I think about JUST Julia, I am also fine.  I look towards the future and all the wonderful times we will have with her.

It is when I think about the two of them at the same time, that I get the saddest.  They will have no pictures together, no memories made together.  Julia will never truly KNOW her brother no matter how many stories we tell her or pictures and videos we share.

We are once again entering into a new phase of our lives.  One that will have the joys of a new child, along with the sadness again over the loss of Alexander. It is not an easy journey we are on.  Our lives will never be the same.  We will continue to take it one day – sometimes one HOUR at a time to make it through.





6 responses to “A very emotional day

  1. Jackie says:

    Andrew is still here right now, but I get what you are saying so much. We went to Lancaster for a few days and I have a beautiful picture of the boys with my husband- Andrew was on the end. Do you know I actually covered up his face to see what a family photo would look like without him in it to see how I would react? I would never tell anyone else that- not even my husband. It is the little things that other people can’t possibly understand…and like I said, I still have these pictures right now. But, Andrew asks questions like, “Does Charlie like me?” I answer yes, but I constantly worry that he won’t even know Andrew. But, what I can tell you is that your daughter is not the oldest- Alexander is and always will be. She has a big brother who passed away, so say that every time someone asks because she does- period. If you have another child, when people ask, you have 3 children, but the oldest passed away. Just put it out there- honor him with the comments. If people are genuine they will ask about him. My cousin lost her mom when she was 21. My cousin’s daughter has pictures and videos of her grandmother and talks about her as if she knew her because my cousin would just talk about her all the time- who she was, how fun she was, how stubborn she was, etc. No, Julia will never know him personally, but she will know him. She will know her big brother and he can very much be part of her life.

    Thinking of you always!
    Jackie Goodell

  2. Lesley Whittier says:

    Thinking of you and Alexander today… Lots of bubbles to celebrate his birthday! He is always watching over you and now his baby sister as well!! Sending hugs…

  3. jane says:

    I love you Nancy and keep those photos up until you are ready to change your wallpaper in your own time…you will know when…’ll just have to get some new frames with Julia’s photos….. a very deep and powerful reflection of what you are going through…thank you for sharing

  4. Mike Lukas says:

    Happy Birthday, Big A – our brave lil’ angel. But especially congrats on your daughter – may she be a joy in your life 🙂 She’s lucky to have such loving, loyal parents.

    Always in our prayers,
    Michael J, Gretchen, Gwen & Baby LMNOP

  5. Sue DeBassio says:

    I really don’t know what to say except that I am very sad when I read what you wrote. Of course, I am very happy that now you have Julia. You and Richard will help her to know Alexander through you. You will also know when and how to change out the photos, but I am sure it will not be easy. Maybe you will have photos of Alexander and Julia in the same collage frame. I don’t know, but you will do what is best for you and your family.
    love you, sue

  6. […] days – heck, I would go for December 31 and Jan 1 if I could!)   As I mentioned in a previous post, Julia arrived exactly one week BEFORE Alexander’s birthday. Her birth was filled with […]

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