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What to be when I grow up?

on May 13, 2012

The age old question “what will I be when I grow up”.  I can remember as a child, wanting to be a Firefighter (I had a way cool toy fire truck) A Doctor – I had the doctors bag toy!.  In one book, it was written down that I wanted to be a “Dunkin Donuts Worker” (I never achieved that dream, but I did work at McDonald’s and Brugers Bagels!)

I have often asked little children what they want to be – I get typical answers – often based on what the parent does – firefighter, doctor, artist, postal worker, teacher.  I have one young cousin that wants to be a Pediatric Oncologist when he grows up!  But then there are some kids that just look at me and say “I don’t know”.  I realize that at a young age it is hard to know, but then I think, “Don’t they have dreams? Wishes?”

For myself, I am in that rut of the children.  I just don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore.  Those that know me, know I have been through MANY career changes in my life!  Part of it is my ADD, and part of it is my strong will. I read a great book called Redefining the Strong-Willed Woman.  This book talks a lot about Strong Willed woman and how they often change careers.   It isn’t that we are wishy-washy, it is more that, we like what we like, and when we don’t like it anymore we change, if we can’t change the job itself.  Also, from that book and reading books on adult ADD, it isn’t that we are necessarily, bored.  It is more that we want to know about EVERYTHING – and when we feel we have learned “enough” we move on to the next great thing.

When I first went to college, I was studying communications – TV/Film Production.   I have an associates degree in Media Technology.  I really enjoyed learning about those things.   After I graduated, I took a year off to be a full time volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.  While that was not all I had hoped it would be, I did have a great time, and lived with a wonderful family with whom I am still friends with today.  I did work in Sales for my dad’s company for a bit, and realized I was a horrible sales person! Next, I did some temp jobs.  While doing these temp jobs, I started to teach CCD at church, as well as doing Youth Ministry Work.  I then felt called to be a teacher.  I went back to school to study Education and Religion, as I wanted to teach Religion in a Catholic School.   I only last 1.5 years.  The first school I was at was very tough.  I was not prepared for the student population I would face, and left after the first semester.  The second school I was at the principal was an insane nut, that like to threaten to fire me about once a week!  Needless to say, it was not a good enviroment and I left at the end of the school year.

I was then offered a job to work for Lycos – a growing internet company.  I was a Sales Assistant.  The internet was growing like crazy!!   Although, the bubble was also just about ready to burst, and I didn’t not make my millions.  I sometimes wonder, if Lycos, had taken off instead of Google would we all be saying “I Lycosed that” instead of “I Googled that” Sigh…….

After September 11th, we were in a meeting and at one point the leaders said “we know this is a tough time, but GET THE NUMBERS”.  I knew there had to be more to life than that.   I then began my journey into the world of Human Service work.  You can read about that on my Sept 11th Post.

After Alexander was born, I took time off to be a mom.  I was just starting to go back to work when he got sick.   When people asked me where I worked I would answer “I am a private duty nurse to a 1 year old with cancer”.

After he died, I just couldn’t go right back to work, it was just too sad.  But after a few months, I did.  I first took a per diem job at a Nursing Home.  Because it was adults and not children it is of course very different.  I was able to focus on my work.  Although, every night as I was leaving I would think “What am I doing here?  I just want to be in bed under the covers!!”

After being there about 2 months, I got a job offer with a Visiting Nurses Group. I thought I would really enjoy this.  I did not!  It wasn’t that it was different from anything they told me, it just really wasn’t what I expected.  During this time, I also found out I was pregnant.  Having nausea and driving around all day long is NOT a good mix!

After I left there I took a few weeks to just “be”.  I did look into some jobs, but not too much, because I thought “who will hire a pregnant girl” (Of course I had almost 6 months to go, but still….)  I did apply for one job, but never heard from them.

In some ways I am glad I have not had to work (Thanks mom!)  But, in others, I have wondered if it has not been good for the grieving process.  I have SO much time on my hands, that I think about it A LOT.   Having a job would have been a distraction and given me a reason to get out of bed each day. I did try to do some volunteer work. I went once, and have never gone back.  I don’t know why really, I just couldn’t.

So – now, back to the original question.  What am I going to do when this baby is born??  I know that I do not have the heart of a stay at home mom! I also know that I do need to work to be able to add to the household budget! (I am good, but not THAT good!)

I am not sure that I want to be a nurse anymore.  I worked so hard to earn my LPN status, but after what I went through with Alexander I just don’t know if I want to do that anymore!  But yet at the same time, I do want to do something in the medical field in some way.  Perhaps in a job that is “behind the scenes” and not dealing with direct care.

I could go back to an office job – I am good at that – but is that something I would really like to do? I said to one friend I looked into a customer service type job.  But she wondered if I would really be able to deal with all the idiots out there! (like say, if the instructions said “press any key” and someone called saying “I can’t find the ANY key on my key board!)

I know I would be good at being a parent advocate, someone to help parents of very sick children, navigate their way through the system, help them to fight for their children.  There is a great need for that, although I don’t know if there is a great amount of jobs in that field.

Sigh…..I just don’t know…..Maybe the perfect job will just fall into my lap one day.  Then again, they are always hiring at Dunkin Donuts.


2 responses to “What to be when I grow up?

  1. Jackie says:

    ALways thinking of you! You will find our way when it comes to a job. I know that mine (teaching) keeps me sane in a very insane world. You probably don’t want anything with customer relations because people will come to you with these HUGE problems and you will feel the need to tell them how insignificant their problems are… I have almost gotten in trouble teaching a few times when parents come to me with these “issues” and I tell them about ANdrew and then they see how unimportant the issue is… Best of luck to you with the new addition.
    Jackie Goodell

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