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Silence and Sleep

on February 3, 2012

I have not slept very well since I was pregnant with Alexander!  As most pregnant ladies will tell you, sleeping when pregnant gets harder as the months go on!   Once the baby arrives, it is calling out to be fed every few hours, intrupting sleep.  For us, we had the added months of Alexander being sick.  Medications, hospital visits, medications, diaper changes.  All made for very difficult sleep.

When we were in the hospital, on the BMT unit, I would usually sleep in a separate parent room.  While very dark and quiet, I didn’t usually sleep well because I was of course worried about Alexander.  In the ICU, I was also able to sleep in a parent room, but again, the worry kept me from good sleep.  If we were on the 7th floor, I always stayed in his room.  Even with the earplugs I would often wear, you could still hear the beeps and buzzes of a hospital room.

When we were home, I always had music playing for him, which I could hear through the baby monitor.  I was very in tune to his sounds, because I would wake to even a small peep.  We could also hear the hum of his TPN machine going.   On the nights I was home, and he was still in the hospital with daddy staying there, I did sleep okay then, but always worried that the phone might ring late at night to tell me something was wrong.

After he died, the house was so quiet.   No more peeps.  No more medications, no more hum of the TPN machine.  Someone suggested that I put the music back on, which I did.  That seemed to help a little.

Now – even as it is 10 months since he has been gone, I still do not sleep well.  Being pregnant I am sure has something to do with it, although I am not at the point where I am completely uncomfortable in the bed.  It is the silence still that makes it hard for me to sleep.  I do use the music at times, which helps.

By nature, my mind has a very hard time slowing down – maybe it is the ADHD.  So rather than just being, just relaxing, I THINK. If only I could DO – then I would have a very clean and organized house!  I do often crochet, but even that I have to be busy with – having the TV or radio in the background to distract me.

So often in the busyness of a work day, or being in a house filled with children, you just want SILENCE.  Some people need the silence just to THINK.  But, for me that is the problem.   In the silence, I THINK!  I think about what we have lost with Alexander – what we will never have – how much I miss his laugh and his smiles.   I worry about the new baby.  I worry about life in general.  For me, the silence is NOT golden – it is a very sad and difficult time.


2 responses to “Silence and Sleep

  1. jane says:

    I find this silence one of the most difficult things to release to God, because it’s inside your own mind, no-one else sees it and can say, “Let it go!” But if you can release the anxiety, worry and fear and actually live authentically you become whole again, changed but put back together in a way.

  2. […] Sleep is still a problem for me. (of course having an 8 month old doesn’t help!)  I have trouble still FALLING asleep.  I avoid going to bed sometimes.  I don’t know if it is the quiet or what – but I can’t get myself to go to bed.  But, once I do get there, and I am asleep – I never want to get up.  There are days I wish I could just stay there all day long and never face the world.  I know most people have those “days” but for me, it is most every day.   But, I have to get up – I have to take care of Julia – I have to go to face life. […]

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