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Missing Alexander tonight

on January 12, 2012

I found myself missing Alexander in a different way tonight.  I miss him ALL the time, but tonight it was a bit different.  Richard and I were at a Bruins game, and there was a dad carrying his little boy – that was maybe the same age as Alexander.  It made me sad to think about all the things we never got to do with Alexander.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one for taking 2 year old’s to Disney or big events that they will never remember!  BUt I was just thinking about all the things we WOULD have done with him as he grew up.  He will never go to Story Land or Santa’s Village (those in the MA/NH area know what I am talking about)  He will never ride the Polar Express.  We won’t ever take him to see an Ice Show, Circus, or Game at the Garden and have him begging us for the overpriced treats which we would have surely bought him.

This week our friends posted about how they were able to take their son Cole out of the hospital for a few hours, and just BE – they got to go on the Ice Skating Rink at Frog Pond with him in his wheel chair.  Cole may not have long for this world (he too has stupid cancer – neuroblastoma like Alexander)- those precious few hours meant more to that family, than just about anything I can think of right now.

As I talked about in my last post, all to often we are caught up in the busyness of life, and forget about the small little things.  This poem below came up on Facebook this week.  I don’t know who wrote it  I think it says a lot about just taking the time to BE and enjoy.   You don’t have to spoil your kids rotten and give them everything they want, just love them and hug them, and give them an extra cookie once in a while just because!

Just One More Day

Just One More Day… Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play. …

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I won’t worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won’t stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald’s and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children’s graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can’t handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day…♥


6 responses to “Missing Alexander tonight

  1. I found you at “Off the Diving Board” – and I too, lost a child. My daughter was 34.

    I’m sorry about your Alexander….

  2. Mike Lukas (the elder) says:

    That’s a beautiful poem, Nancy, and a beautiful thought! Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the day-to-day struggle that we forget to enjoy the people around us while we can!

    Keep up your blogging – we always love to hear from you.

  3. Mary DeWinkeleer says:

    Wow, what an amazing poem. Makes me want to hug Olivia a little tighter tonight.

  4. Erin says:

    Saying extra prayers for you today, Nancy. Thank you for sharing that poem. I know that logic has no impact on emotions, so it doesn’t make sense to remind you that Alexander is already experiencing things so much more magical than Santa’s Village etc. Because really, those events are mostly what WE enjoy and you are mourning– seeing the joy and wonder on your child’s face. I thank God for making a way for you to be with Alexander again in Heaven, where you will finally share those moments forever. But for today, I’ll just say extra prayers for Him to comfort your heart.

  5. Laura Doran says:

    I just read your comment and your story and this post (gulp… tears). I just wanted to thank you for sharing with me and to tell you that hope and peace and grace are for real though sometimes we are afraid to take them! While I went on to have three more beautiful healthy children, not once has there been a day where I haven’t thought of my sweet Andrew and smiled for all that he left (even though I was so very sad to see him leave). I just made a video (don’t know if you saw it on my blog) but I keep thinking about the song over and over and the line that says, “(death) will take your innocence, but it will not take your substance.” I keep hearing it and nodding because I am who I am because he lived and because he left. My brother just called to let me know that his friends’ 9 month old just passed away after 8 months of suffering… it has been a heavy day. Wishing you much peace on your journey!

  6. Laura Doran says:

    ps. He is/was and always will be beautiful! (((hugs)))

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