thecookiegal

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Dear Alexander,

on October 1, 2011

    

Dear Alexander,

Today is October 1st.  It has now been 6 months since you left us to go be with Jesus.  Mommy and Daddy think of you every day, and we miss you so much!  We miss your hugs and smiles, and your beautiful laugh.   We miss snuggling with you and reading your books, and saying your goodnight prayers.

6 months – some times it seems like yesterday, other times, like a lifetime ago.  People often ask us “how do you do it – how do you move on?”  I tell them, one day at a time.  Some days are easier than others.  Some days all I want to do is cry because I hurt so much, other days I can make it through the day.

You missed Easter this year.  You never did get to enjoy Easter. Your first, was just after we found out you had that STUPID CANCER.  You were so small and sick, and we just couldn’t get you to smile.   Both Mother and Fathers day came and went since you were gone.  Last year we were in the hospital for those day, this year, we were without you.  It was hard to feel like a Mommy or Daddy when you are in Heaven.  We will ALWAYS be your Mommy and Daddy, but it was so lonely here without you.  Your Auntie Lisa send me a nice treat, and Mommy’s friend Crystal spent some time with me.  You remember her right? She is S&C’s Mommy.  Sometimes I get sad when I see C.  because you were about the same age, and I am sure you would have been great friends.

4th of July came without much fan fare for us – Last year we were in the hospital, as were most of your friends.  They let us go and watch the fireworks in a special place.  I didn’t take you because you were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up.  I hope you could see beautiful fireworks from Heaven.

Mommy and Daddy went on a trip to California.   It was good for us to get away, but you were never far from our minds.  Daddy saw someone blowing BUBBLES one day and he thought of you then.  We stopped in Alexander Valley and took pictures.     

While we were at the family reunion, they dedicated a bush to you and we got to tell Daddy’s extended family all about you. 

On the way back, we were hungry for lunch, and we stopped – when we opened the menu we saw the restaurant was named ALEXANDER’s!  Did you put it there just for us?

   

Mommy went back to work as a nurse.  After you died I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be a nurse anymore.  Taking care of you was so hard, I wasn’t sure if I could do that anymore.  Of course, I take care of grown ups and not little kids, so it is a little different.   It went okay – it was hard at first.  Some days I would leave thinking “what am I doing here?  I just want to be home in bed with the covers up over my head!!!”   But I kept going back.   Two weeks however, I started a new job.  I am going to be working as a Visiting Nurse. Going into people’s houses to check on them.  You had visiting nurses and you liked them right?

This month Daddy and I went to the Cycle for Life to help out and cheer on the bike riders as they raised money for your friends at the hospital.   We saw many people we knew.  One of them, didn’t know that you had gone to be with Jesus, so it was very sad to have to tell her.

We saw another little boy C. who has the same kind of cancer you had.  I have to say I was a little jealous.  He is doing so well.  Everything went right for him, he didn’t have the kind of problems that you had.  But then I think, how can I be jealous of someone who is doing so well!!?!   I am of course happy for him and his family, but I do stop and wonder – why him, why not my Alexander? Why did you have to get a really bad tumor, that made you hurt, made you not be able to eat or walk or do all the normal things a little boy is supposed to do!?!?!   I try not to get angry, because anger won’t get me anywhere.

Speaking of anger – you know I am still mad at some people.  Please help me deal with that anger and just let it go.   I am trying, but, please send me some of your good and loving ways, to help me move on!

You friends C&N are having a tough time right now.  Please look out for them and put in a good word with the Big Guy.  Tell him you don’t need any more friends with you in Heaven!

Okay – I should end here, or I will just end up crying all day long.

I love you and I miss you very much,
Love,

Mommy

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11 responses to “Dear Alexander,

  1. Terry Stone says:

    So touching Nancy. I keep the bubbles you gave me here at the shop behind the counter with me, and think of you and Richard and Alexander whenever I see them. I can’t give you a hug today, so hug that pillow and consider yourself hugged from Andy and I.
    Take care, Terry

  2. Lesley Whittier says:

    Beautiful!!! Hugs and tears…

  3. E says:

    Oh, honey. That’s beautiful. Thinking of you today…

  4. Lisa says:

    I love you Alexander. Your aunt lisa

  5. Stacey says:

    God Bless Alexander the Great! God Bless your wonderful parents who are a true inspiration for their family and friends. Big hugs for your mommy and daddy!

  6. Jackie says:

    He is so beautiful 🙂 I admire your strength for being able to give back to the cancer world, despite what Stupid cancer has done to you. I am always thinking of your family.
    Jackie Goodell

  7. Jeanne Morganelli says:

    Thank you for putting this in words for me to understand just a little about how you feel. I am so truly sorry that you have lost your precious little boy. He is missed by my family.

  8. Marge lukas says:

    I ate some Oreo’s today in memory of Alexander and was thinking about him all day. I didn’t realize until tonight that it was six months since he died. Thank you for writing out your thoughts, Nancy. He was a very special ittle boy and will be remembered by us all. You and Richard are in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Margie A.

  9. Mary says:

    What a beautiful letter to Alexander. Whenever I see someone blowing bubbles I think of him. Thank you for sharing your love, your memories, your pain and your joy.

  10. Rosanne says:

    Nancy, This is so heartfelt. I think of Alexander more than you know – to give me strength, to pave the way. I am so sorry that you missed all those times together. But I search through the sadness and count my blessings that he share his life and spirit with me.

  11. Lucia Casali says:

    Thank You Nancy and Richard for sharing. My heart is with you and I still carry Alexander’s picture with me. Stay well and know that everybody loves you both.

    Lucia Casali Danvers Ma.

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